IELTS Writing: Task 2 essay analysis with model answer
Being the most challenging language skill to master, writing requires constant practice and working on mistakes.
The most useful technique to improve your writing is to review and correct your errors as people tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
Therefore, if you put effort into working on your problem areas, you have a good chance to increase your writing band score.
Below you can see a model answer of a student to Task 2 of the IELTS Academic writing followed by comments to improve it.
Task 2 Question
The threat of nuclear weapons maintains world peace. Nuclear power provides cheap and clean energy. The benefits of nuclear technology far overweigh the disadvantages.
Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.
Student’s response to task two question
Introduction
Some people believe that using nuclear technologies has more advantages than disadvantages: nuclear weapons help to prevent wars and nuclear power is considered to be the cheapest source of energy. However, I completely disagree with this opinion and think that nuclear technologies are very dangerous and should be used less both in the power engineering and the warfare.
Body Paragraph 1
Firstly, even if nuclear power stations are very popular nowadays due to their cheap fuel consumption and high productivity, they could be a very serious threat to the environment and people. There is a number of examples when nuclear power plants went out of control and caused high damage to society and nature. For instance, one of the biggest accidents took place in The Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant at the end of the 20th century, and this territory is still uninhabited. In my opinion, people should use other ways of power engineering like water, wind and solar energies. They are natural and it means they are not expensive. Moreover, they are not harmful to environment and people.
Body Paragraph 2
Another point to consider is that owning a nuclear weapon gives an extra advantage to some countries and they could make use of this position. When one country has a nuclear weapon, it can threaten other countries or impose its rules and ideas on others. One clear example of this can be the latest situation in the North Korea. In this respect the best way to avoid nuclear wars is nuclear disarmament, the process of reducing or eliminating nuclear weapons.
Conclusion
In conclusion, nuclear power is very dangerous and may cause a lot of damage both to the society and the environment. That is why people should replace nuclear power stations with other energy sources like water or wind, and the governments of countries owning nuclear weapons have to come to an agreement to do nuclear disarmament
311 Words
Band Score of the Essay
The maximum band score for this essay will be 6 as it does not completely answer the task requirement giving recommendations instead of comparing advantages and disadvantages.
The student, however, uses some uncommon vocabulary and attempts to use complex sentence structures.
With the minimum number of words being 250, an essay should ideally consist of 270-280 words.
You can now familiarize yourself with a more detailed analysis of errors and ways to correct them.
Task 2 essay analysis and comments
First of all, I’d like to give some general recommendations to improve this answer:
- Use more advanced vocabulary;
- Linking words could be used more;
- Develop the paragraphs;
- Answer the question of the essay.
Now let’s look at the introduction in more details.
(1) Introduction
Some people believe that using nuclear technologies has more advantages than disadvantages: nuclear weapons help to prevent wars and nuclear power is considered to be the cheapest source of energy.
However, I completely disagree with this opinion and think that nuclear technologies are very dangerous and should be used less both in the power engineering and the warfare
In this introductory paragraph, the thesis shows an attitude towards the previous statement, i.e., to what is stated in the first sentence:
- (“Some people believe that using nuclear technologies has more advantages than disadvantages: nuclear weapons help to prevent wars and nuclear power is considered to be the cheapest source of energy“).
However, this is a given in the writing task and is not to be questioned or taken position on.
The thesis statement should answer the question whether or not the writer agrees or disagrees that “the benefits of nuclear technology far overweigh the disadvantages.”
A sample thesis could be:
- Although using nuclear power in technologies can be beneficial, I completely disagree that it brings more good than harm.
Or
- However, considering the risk involved, I disagree that using technologies running on nuclear power has more positive sides than drawbacks.
(2) Paragraph 1
Firstly, even if nuclear power stations are very popular nowadays due to their cheap fuel consumption and high productivity, they could be a very serious threat to the environment and people.
There is a number of examples when nuclear power plants went out of control and caused high damage to society and nature.
For instance, one of the biggest accidents took place in The Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant at the end of the 20th century, and this territory is still uninhabited.
In my opinion, people should use other ways of power engineering like water, wind and solar energies. They are natural and it means they are not expensive. Moreover, they are not harmful to environment and people.
A singular verb is used with “THE + number,” which shows or implies a specific figure.
For example, The number of people choosing overseas holidays IS gradually increasing.
“A+ number” means “many, numerous” and takes a plural verb, such as in: A number of measures HAVE been taken to tackle the issue.
The paragraph finishes with a recommendation while the task was different.
(3) Paragraph 2
Another point to consider is that owning a nuclear weapon gives an extra advantage to some countries and they could make use of this position.
When one country has a nuclear weapon, it can threaten other countries or impose its rules and ideas on others. One clear example of this can be the latest situation in the North Korea.
In this respect the best way to avoid nuclear wars is nuclear disarmament, the process of reducing or eliminating nuclear weapons.
The topic sentence should contain the main idea of the paragraph and support the thesis statement of the essay.
This paragraph, however, starts with a topic sentence seeing a nuclear weapon as an advantage.
This is irrelevant because the writer’s opinion is that there are more negative aspects than advantages in nuclear power.
Better Response
1. A topic sentence to reflect this idea could be:
- Despite presenting some advantage to countries owning it, a nuclear weapon can become ground for disagreement and conflict.
2. Names of countries are not used with the article THE unless the name is plural like THE United States or THE Philippines.
3. Recommendations should be used in problem/cause-solution essays where you need to present ways to solve a certain problem.
In this paragraph, the recommendation made should be taken out while an example of North Korea could be developed further to make the point even clearer.
- For example, One clear example of this can be the latest situation in North Korea which has been demonstrating its achievements in developing nuclear weapons.
4. You can also add how disadvantageous it can be for the country:
- Even though the weapon can scare off a country’s enemies and prevent potential military attacks, it will definitely trigger a negative reaction in many peace-loving countries around the globe. Such reproachful attitude can, in turn, lead to sanctions against and termination of international agreements with the country. Thus, there are many repercussions involved in employing nuclear energy as a defense means.
Read Also: IELTS Writing Academic: Task 1 analysis with model answer
(4) Conclusion
In conclusion, nuclear power is very dangerous and may cause a lot of damage both to the society and the environment.
That is why people should replace nuclear power stations with other energy sources like water or wind, and the governments of countries owning nuclear weapons have to come to an agreement to do nuclear disarmament
A concluding paragraph should restate the writer’s opinion and the main ideas presented in the body paragraphs.
It can contain a recommendation only if that is required by the essay question.
This essay asks if the writer agrees or disagrees that “the benefits of nuclear technology far overweigh the disadvantages.”
A better conclusion would be:
- In conclusion, difficult to handle, exploitation of nuclear energy can result in environmental catastrophes and hostile relationships with other states. Therefore, the disadvantages of using this type of energy source are far more.
Vocabulary and complex sentences
Below are given some additional words and phrases from the essay that could be improved:
- high damage – serious/severe/enormous damage
- country- state, government
- that is why – therefore
- is very dangerous- poses great perils
Also, it must be kept in mind that short sentences should be avoided, even if they make up a longer sentence as two clauses.
You can improve them by turning them into a relative or reduced clause:
- …and this territory is still uninhabited. – leaving the territory uninhabited for decades.
- They are natural and it means they are not expensive. – They are natural, which means they are not expensive.
Look at the sample answer to Task 1 with the detailed analysis.